Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life - A 3-Step Plan

"Step aside from all thinking, and there is nowhere you can't go"
Seng-ts'an - Zen founder

Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is, says "The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want". Yet many of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to change what is, trying to make it fit our beliefs about what should be. The truth is we only have the power to change our own internal reality. And we use a tremendous amount of energy when we fight this reality.

Our thoughts are predictors of our feelings, which in turn drive our actions, yielding results for us. When the initial thoughts are negative in some way, our results are not at all what we want. Maria Nemeth, author of Mastering Life's Energies and Malcolm Gladwell, author of Blink:The Power of Thinking Without Thinking say that we reach conclusions in a matter of seconds. Our brains then look only for evidence that validate the conclusions. And of course the conclusions are based on our beliefs! It's no surprise we feel out of control and/or hopeless about our situations at times.

Our thoughts come at us fast and furiously all day every day. Estimates vary widely on the number of thoughts we have. Top estimates appear to be about 60,000 thoughts per day. Researchers agree that for many people the majority of these thoughts are negative ones. The barage of messages may go something like: "I can't do that"; "S/he wouldn't like it if I did ___"; "No one loves me"; "I can't lose weight".

The good news is that now there are multiple ways to deal with thoughts that are counterproductive to living joyful lives. I'd like to tell you about my favourites. These are exercises and techniques I use often myself and with my coaching and counselling clients.

First: "Slow down and smell the roses" is key to beginning the change in ourselves. This is absolutely non-negotiable! Try this simple breathing exercise. If you are someone who is going flat out each day, it is helpful to do the exercise every 15 minutes. You'll be amazed at the results. Here it is:
* Breathe in deeply through your nose
* Hold the breath as long as it's comfortable
* Push the air out through your mouth, making the out breath as long
as possible

Second: Now that you've slowed down a bit, it's time to look at a couple of ways to shift our thoughts. Identifying then "turning around" negative beliefs is a powerful way to change our thoughts. This is pivotal to the coaching and counselling work I do with my clients. We cannot change our thinking by using our brain in the usual left-brained fashion.

Exercises such as the following work because they bypass the brain and go to a deeper part of our psyche. We will use an adaptation of Byron Katie's Questions and Turnaround Exercise. Here we go:

* List a belief that is limiting your life. It's important to remember, there's no right or wrong belief. Sample Belief: "I can't lose weight because no one in my family has lost weight". Note: If your belief is not a core belief the exercise still works well. It will point you towards an awareness which could be closer to your core beliefs.

* Ask yourself, "Is this true?". If you answer yes, ask "Do I know for sure that it's true?"

* Then ask, "How do I feel when I think that thought" and "Where in my body do I feel it?"

* Then pretend a miracle has taken place in the night and you are no longer able to think the thought. Ask yourself: "Without this thought, who would I be?" (hint: how would I feel, think, look, arrange my life).

* Finally, here's the "Turnaround": Reverse your original belief by changing the verb to its opposite. Sample Reversal: "I can have a successful business because no one in my family has done that".Note:

The action of doing this exercise will shift something in you because it bypasses your usual thought processes. Your shift will be on a continuum anywhere from almost imperceptible to an "aha moment".


Third: We all know we cannot change our thoughts by simply telling ourselves not to think about a specific troublesome thing. To illustrate this, let me ask you what you think about when I tell you: "don't think about chocolate"? Of course we know the answer to that one! We can, however, change our thoughts to other thoughts by shifting our focus onto thoughts that we prefer.

The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks offers us the teachings of Abraham, a group of loving entities. Abraham emphasizes the importance of always bringing our attention back to the positive because the Universe will supply us with whatever we generate strong thoughts and emotions about. Putting our attention on one small thing that we like is a simple and effective way of refocusing. This also happens to be a precept of good old behavioural therapy and is called "distraction".

Abraham says that if we have a strong negative momentum going, as we do with repetition of the thought over time, it may not be possible to suddenly think the opposite thought. In fact we wouldn't even be able to access the opposite, positive thought. Try this simple exercise now in writing. It's Abraham's suggestion for refocusing ourselves using graduated steps.

* Think one of your repetitive negative thoughts

* Choose a thought that feels slightly better than the one you've been thinking

* Then choose another thought that feels a bit better still

* Then choose another and another until gradually your thinking has changed direction.

Note: Give yourself all the time you need. It won't work if you rush it.

This is a just a taste of some ways that we have found effective for changing thoughts and beliefs. You can look at it as a "Basic Primer". My hope is that it will be of great help to you.

Copyright Ellen Besso 2008

Through her 'Odyssey of Change' coaching program, Ellen Besso offers Midlife Women the opportunity to navigate the midlife maze and find joy & fullness in their lives.

Personal action plans include strengthening the body-mind connection; releasing beliefs that limit growth; & specific actions to move you forward into your ideal life.

Ellen is uniquely qualified to be your guide because she has personally journeyed through perimenopause and into an inspired life as a menopausal crone! Her professional credentials include certification as a Martha Beck Coach and an M.A. in Counselling from City University.

To find out more about Ellen's work and read articles written by her contact:
www.ellenbesso.com or ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze
info@ellenbesso.com 800 961 1364 - N.Am. or
604 886 1916 - Gibsons, BC